Tuesday 4 October 2016 by Davywavy & Cavalorn

Britain to have entirely jam-based economy by 2023


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The economy of the UK will be entirely jam-based by the middle of the next decade, thanks to incentives announced today by the Department for International Trade.

The news comes as a welcome boost to the government after Andrea Leadsom announced yesterday that the world was crying out for ‘innovative jams and marmalades’ from Britain post-Brexit.

However, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn described the announcement as ‘jarring’, saying that the policy was all ‘jam tomorrow’ and that the government was just trying to ‘berry bad news’.

The DIT spokesman said, “Many people thought the economy was in a pickle after the referendum, but by introducing this sweetened deal it shows that we can preserve the country.

“Donut think the Conserve-atives aren’t taking this seriously. This is a plum job and we’re determined to get everyone out of their confit zone.  It is now time to enjoy the fruits of Brexit and spread our exports across the world.”

The spokesman also played down rumours of a split in the Tory party about whether jams and marmalades should ever contain artificial sweeteners, with some more right-wing backbenchers threatening to defect to a new party being set up by Lord Sugar.

Leadsom went on to suggest bringing back the Robertson’s golliwog as a symbol of post-Brexit Britain.

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