Tuesday 4 October 2016 by Fat Jim

Alton Towers closes Brexit rollercoaster amidst public safety concerns


Post image for Alton Towers closes Brexit rollercoaster amidst public safety concerns

Alton Towers has today announced the immediate closure of its Brexit rollercoaster, citing public safety concerns.

Alton Towers had spent six months promoting the ride in a blaze of publicity, telling excited rollercoaster fans across the nation a variety of contradictory facts about the ride before today’s sudden decision. The construction company tasked with actually building the ride said that no architectural blueprints or building plans were ever given to them, and that Alton Towers had just told them to get on with building it.

One fan who got to actually experience the ride before its closure said, “After spinning us this way and that till we didn’t know which way was up it was finally time to get on”.

However, whilst some riders had queued up for the ‘soft’ ride which guaranteed fewer loop-the-loops, and some queued up for the white-knuckle ‘hard’ ride which promised sheer drops and breakneck g-forces, CCTV footage has shown that both queues ended up on the same out-of-control ride, all the money flying out of their pockets as they shat themselves in sheer terror.

But theme park manager Simon Williams defended the decision to build the rollercoaster in the first place, claiming that it was exactly what the public had asked for.

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