Monday 3 October 2016 by Rob Hearn

Trump lost $915 million playing jacks with Mexican street gang


Donald Trump, tax dodger

Following revelations that Donald Trump may not have paid federal taxes for 18 years, it has emerged that the $915m loss which made this extraordinary exemption possible was incurred during a single game of jacks with a Mexican street gang in 1995.

It is believed that Trump was lured into the game during a lunchtime walk and talk meeting with his advisers in Central Park, New York.

“He was getting tired and distracted,” said one former employee, speaking anonymously.

“It happened whenever we pushed him too hard with big words and so forth.

“My coworkers were exchanging glances and thinking maybe it was time for his nap when he taps me on the arm and says something like, ‘now watch me destroy these wetbacks’ and then he strolls over to these Latino kids who had been giving him the eye.”

Insiders insist that Mr Trump’s team attempted in the strongest terms to dissuade their employer from playing jacks with a Mexican street gang, but claim that he was “overtired” after almost 30 minutes of complicated business talk, and could no longer be controlled.

“It started out okay I guess,” said the former employee. “He lost maybe a couple of dollars in the first minutes, and it was all smiles.

“But after ten minutes he was losing thousands, and that was just the start.

“Then the rape accusations started flying,” the source added.

It is thought that Trump’s employees were sent to the bank dozens of times over the next several hours, returning with suitcases full of hundred dollar bills each time. The game came to an end after the bank closed, by which time Trump was down a staggering $915 million.

“Is that a lot?” he reportedly asked his team.

Trump, who has been hailed as a “genius” by his supporters in the Republican party for cannily losing enough money in a single year to be exempt from tax for the next eighteen, is said to be hopeful that this revelation will finally put minds to rest about how Mexico will pay for the wall.

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