Monday 3 October 2016

Tories still appalling shits


Theresa May

After a summer spent distracted by Brexit speculation, Labour infighting and Bakeoffaggedon, the Tories are set to use their conference to remind everyone what dreadful shits they are.

“These are difficult times, turbulent,” said a Tory insider.

“What with all the distractions of the summer, people may very well have forgotten what awful shits we in the Tory party truly are.

“So expect a series of announcements that will make the vast majority of people’s lives considerably worse and will benefit a few massive corporations and Tory MPs.”

Amongst the announcements are a proposed requirement for social housing for disabled people to be on the second floor, a ban on calling goldfish amusing names like ‘Michael Knight the Fish,’ and grammar schools.

“It’s a strong program of being appalling that is certain to remind everyone that we’re all just total shits.”

Tory voters seem pleased with the potential announcements.

“Tremendous news,” said Simon Williams, a Tory voter and convicted flasher from Walthamstow.

“I voted for a bunch of dreadful shits, and I was concerned that the transition from Cameron to May might see them become less shitty, but it seems clear I was mistaken and they are all still terrible shits.”

The conference will begin with the traditional five minutes of laughing at poor people, before a half-arsed attempt to look like they’ve got a Brexit plan, and will then continue into three more days of appalling shittiness.

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