Monday 3 October 2016 by Lucas Miles

European golfers demand immediate Brexit


Ryder Cup 2016, British failure

European golfers have insisted it is time to ditch these British losers and expressed delight at Theresa May’s announcement that Britain would trigger Article 50 in March 2017.

“Hopefully those useless bastards will have fucked off by the time the next Ryder Cup comes around,” Henrik Stenson is rumoured to have said.

British players managed a total of zero points from a possible seven on the final day of the tournament, while those from mainland Europe took four and a half from a possible five.

Many European sports fans in bars and cafes across the European continent were swift in their calls for Brexit following the repeated failures of the useless Brits.

“Sure we lost, but this was one of the funniest nights of my life watching the Brits fail so spectacularly,” said Pedro Lopez.

“My blind grandmother could have done better with a baguette and a clove of garlic.” said a Frenchman as he cycled by, “I mean, it’s just hitting a little ball with a stick, it’s not that fucking hard is it?”

The Daily Mail has blamed the EU for the catastrophe, claiming that the Brits were sabotaged by EU legislation.

“First they straightened our bananas, now they bend our golf clubs!” the screamed in an editorial.

Meanwhile, the Scottish government has been quick to point out that no Scottish players were involved in the carnage and that, “Please can we still be a part of your team… pleease!”

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