Wednesday 28 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Dodgy dealing to replace football as England’s national sport


Cash bribe

Following the revelations surrounding ex-England manager Sam Allardyce, England has decided to abandon all attempts at football and instead create a national sport based on financial impropriety and dodgy deals.

“We’re still working on the format,” said Simon Williams, an expert in spurious sporting premises.

“Seeing how much cash the competitor can stuff in a brown paper bag in a set time period, how many briefcases full of untraceable cash can the competitor carry, owning an inexplicably large house.

“Any of these could form the basis of a new sport in this country.”

Disillusionment with football as a national sport has been steadily growing over the last 50 years due to England’s inability to do it very well.

Coupled with the huge rise in popularity of corruption in and around football, Mr Williams believes the time is right to finally make the switch.

“Just within the world of football we have a spectacular amount of talent in the field of dodgy dealing; managers, agents, even players who literally earn millions of pounds a year are still finding small dodgy methods to acquire a little bit more; charging for stadium tours and such.

“That’s before you even factor in people from outside of football who are incredibly adept at dodgy dealing – bankers, politicians, Arthur Daley.”

It is expected that if the correct format is found, then by adopting dodgy dealing as a national sport, England could finally become world-beaters.

Or at least could make it to the quarter-finals before getting beaten by the Germans.

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