Tuesday 27 September 2016

Sam Allardyce updates CV with ‘100% win record in International football’


Sam Allardyce

Former England manager Sam Allardyce has updated his CV to reflect that he is statistically the nation’s greatest ever manager.

After leaving the role by mutual consent, Allardyce will now be looking for work based on him overseeing an unprecedented period of success for the national team.

He told reporters, “As someone who embraces the statistical side of the game, and who is known for using data to make decisions, putting my international record front and centre makes perfect sense.

“I’m better than them all; Sir Alf, Bobby Robson, El Tel, they’d all kill to have a record like mine.

“We won every game we played under my management, and we never even conceded a goal. Imagine what we could have achieved had I been allowed to continue that trend.

“In twenty years the biggest ‘what if’ in pub-based football conversations will be ‘what if we’d just kept Big Sam’. It would have been magical, I promise.”

Meanwhile, England fans have reacted to the news that Gareth Southgate will be caretaker England manager by christening him ‘Jesus Christ Gareth fucking Southgate’.

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