Monday 26 September 2016 by Davywavy

Wombles adopt zero-tolerance approach to littering


Wombles

The Wombles will put holes in any motherfucker they catch littering from now on, they have announced.

Speaking from beneath a ghillie suit somewhere on Wimbledon Common, Tobermory slowly adjusted the sights on his .50 cal Barrett Sniper rifle and suggested that if any everyday folk want to leave something behind from now on he’ll put them in the ground.

“Go ahead,” he added with his finger whitening on the trigger. “Drop the can. Drop. The. Can.”

The Wombles, for years seen as gentle, amiable woodland folk committed to tidying up after passers-by, have abandoned their previous policy after noticing that it made ‘not the slightest fucking difference’.

“You spend all day tidying up and coming up with intelligent, witty, creative uses for the detritus people drop whenever they go anywhere, and then the next day you come out of your hole and it’s all back again,” said a visibly agitated Uncle Bulgaria as he strained to prime a steel bear-trap.

“Would it kill you people to keep this place tidy for, like, five minutes?

“Well, it’ll kill you if you don’t from now on, I’ll tell you that for nothing.”

Pledging to ‘make good use of the things that they find’, Madame Cholet has suggested that you can do some serious damage with an empty water bottle filled with sand on a length of rope, especially if you have a chair with the seat cut out like in Casino Royale. 

Since the announcement police have been called to Wimbledon Common after reports of ‘heavy and sustained’ gunfire and ramblers simply disappearing.

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