Monday 26 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

2017 Labour leadership battle to be X Factor-style talent competition


Labour leadership contest 2017

With the 2016 Labour leadership contest barely over, Labour has announced plans for the 2017 leadership challenge to be decided by an X Factor-style talent show.

“This year’s leadership election was fine, but it didn’t have the impact of 2015’s,” said Simon Williams, the Shadow Minister for squabbling, fighting and backstabbing.

“I think in 2015, you had the very real drama of an insurgency, whereas this year, it was just a two-horse race and it was never in doubt that the overwhelming favourite would win.”

Mr Williams is determined to inject a new formula into the 2017 leadership battle to prevent accusations of staleness.

“Love it or hate it, the X-Factor’s been going a long time so the format clearly works. I think it could really prove a shot-in-the-arm for next year’s leadership battle.”

It is expected that there will be several months of open auditions in which members of the public deliver rousing oratory condemning both Conservative policy and Tony Blair.

As the contestants are whittled down to a manageable number, two mentors; possibly Neil Kinnock and Ken Livingstone, will take the remaining candidates off to ‘boot camps’ where they will compete in weekly televised talent shows and get involved in sexy antics.

It has been suggested that instead of having endless annual leadership squabbles, perhaps Labour could actually get on with the business of providing an effective and meaningful opposition.

“What? You mean have everyone in the party accept that Jeremy Corbyn won a perfectly fair election? God Lord no,” scoffed Mr Williams

“We are the Labour party, you know.”

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