Friday 23 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Wasp bastardy at all-time high


Wasp bastardry at all time high

This year has seen the highest levels of wasp bastardy since records began.

“It has long been established that wasps are the total sh*ts of the animal kingdom,” said Eleanor Gay, Oxford University’s Professor of stripey bastards.

“They eat all your jam, they sting you, and they get into the bathroom but only reveal themselves once you’ve taken your pants off.”

However, this year has been much worse than normal.

“It’s been shocking, really shocking.”

“Wasps voted for Brexit, support Donald Trump, advocated playing Wayne Rooney in the Euros, convinced Paul Hollywood to go with Great British Bake Off to Channel 4, and had a hand in writing Batman vs Superman.

“They continue to block moves to bring back Spangles, and they buzz around in your face when you’re having a nice walk.”

Simon Williams from Dorking, described how his life has been ruined by a wasp.

“Yeah, we had a wasp in the lounge back in July,” he said, doing his best to retain emotional control.

“Since then, I’ve lost my job, my wife’s left me and I’ve become addicted to painkillers.

“All because of a wasp. Stripey bastard.”

The UN has put all discussions regarding Syria on hold to try and come to grips with the mass outbreak of wasp bastardy.

Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon confirmed that a loose plan has already been formulated.

“We’ll probably just bomb them.”

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