Thursday 22 September 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Paul Hollywood to be executed for high treason


Paul Hollywood death sentence

Great British Bake Off host Paul Hollywood has been sentenced to death.

Following the revelation that the less-good of the Bake-Off hosts would indeed be jumping ship with the format to Channel 4, a petition to have the greedy bastard shot at dawn has garnered 30,000,000 signatures in just half an hour.

“And that is, as we say, the magic number,” shrugged judge, Simon Williams.

“Once thirty million people demand something, no matter how stupid it might sound, we have to give it to them. It’s a little known law, and one that is in urgent need of review if you ask me.

“That being said, I’m well behind the people on this one. Paul Hollywood has given just a smidgen of credibility to Channel 4’s grubby little deal, and for that alone, he deserves to die.”

A spokesperson for My. Hollywood said, “Mr Hollywood has gone into hiding.

“And he is hiding at 31b Northumberland Avenue, London, SW12 6ZZ.

“Hunt the treacherous scum down.”

It’s not known who exactly will pull the trigger on Hollywood, but the overwhelming suggestion is that Mary Berry should do it while Mel and Sue narrate, saucily commenting on the length of the rifle’s shaft.

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