Thursday 22 September 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Mary Berry tells Channel 4 to shove it up their soggy bottoms


Bake Off on Channel 4

Mary Berry has made an unusually forceful statement by telling Channel 4 they can piss right off with that big money offer.

The Queen of flour, eggs and butter made the statement through a mouthful of cake today, telling people that she wouldn’t be “helping those bastards to ruin the house I built”.

A spokesperson for Mary Berry told reporters that, “Mary Berry is really rather polite most of the time but this time she seems to have had one too many pre-breakfast sherries and told Channel 4 to make like a bad-bake and sod off into a bin”.

“Essentially, they tried to buy a God today, and God has firmly reminded them that she is not to be bought.”

A spokesperson for Channel 4 said, “we were being optimistic in thinking that Mary Berry would care for material wealth above all else.

“We’re onto plan B now, which we’ve named ‘Operation Jimmy Carr’. May God have mercy on our souls.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: