Monday 19 September 2016 by Gary Stanton

Donald Trump calls for instant ban on pressure cookers


Donald Trump pressure cooker ban

Following a spate of amateurish terrorism on US soil, Donald Trump has vowed to ban pressure cookers and similar appliances until they can understand what the hell is going on.

Trump’s remarks follow the discovery of five more pressure cooker bombs in New Jersey, all of which were set to be triggered by sand-based egg timers.

The Republican nominee has pledged a twenty-four amnesty on heavy duty pressure cookers, such as those by Russell Hobbs and the 97700 6-Litre stainless steel model from Morphy Richards.

Police fear the criminals behind the attacks are planning to extend their attacks to other popular appliances.

NYPD spokesman, Chuck Williams, said, “Analysis of so-called chatter indicates that these cowards are planning an atrocity using a George Foreman grill.”

Trump, meanwhile, accused his Democrat opponent, Hilary Clinton, of being soft on rogue kitchen appliances and of caving in to those who want a fast route to steaming their vegetables.

But critics of the proposed ban say Trump’s plans could send already dire American cuisine back to the dark ages.

Trump said, “Under a Trump presidency, you will have twenty-fours to surrender your pressure cooker, including the various trays and attachments that come with it.

“And as for smoothie machines – you use them once then they get left in a cupboard.”

Pressure cooker advocate and non-terrorist, Sandra Bel Geddes, said, “I done got me a pressure cooker for seventy-five dollars from the Raymond Blanc range and there ain’t no way on God’s earth I’m handing that muthafucker in.”

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