Saturday 17 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Hammertime finally stopped


MC Hammer hammertime

After some thirty years of trying, MC Hammer has finally stopped hammertime.

“I’m just glad the nightmare is finally over,” said Mr Hammer.

“Since 1988, the man in the flat below, or ‘apartment’ as we say in America, has without fail started hammering at 6pm every evening, which I always called hammertime, then he’d go on until bedtime.

“It’s been a nightmare.”

Mr Hammer went on to describe the many ways he’d tried to stop hammertime.

“Well, first of all I popped down to see him, but he would answer the door. It’s possible that he couldn’t hear me because of all the hammering though.

“I tried writing letters, leaving notes, curling up in a ball outside his front door sobbing.”

It was in 1988 that Mr Hammer hit on his most ingenious idea; a pop-rap record called ‘U can’t touch this’ with the famous refrain ‘Stop hammertime’.

“Well, it was a tremendous hit, but I don’t think anyone really realised that it was a protest song. People thought it was about something I don’t want people to touch, but that was just a bit of throwaway nonsense.

“It was just about putting a stop to the hell of Hammertime.”

It turns out though that nothing so convoluted was required as Mr Hammer recently hit on the perfect way to stop hammertime.

“I beat the man brutally about the face and head with a hammer.

“Stop! Hammertime.”

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