Friday 16 September 2016 by Gary Stanton

It’s impossible to sleep in this heat, says man who murdered half a million Iraqis


Tony Blair can't sleep

Hot weather leaves me unable to sleep at night, claims man who murdered half a million Iraqis.

Former warmongering PM, Tony Blair, says the recent heatwave has left him without his vital beauty sleep.

Blair said that night-time temperatures in excess of twenty degrees have left him sweating more than he was prior to the publication of the Chilcot report.

The former Right Honourable Member for Sedgefield insists that tossing and turning all night can leave him wondering where the next after dinner speech pay cheque is coming from.

Blair admits he is reluctant to open a window in case George Monbiot is outside, waiting to arrest him for his heinous war crimes.

Blair said, “Such warm weather in September is a sure sign that Climate Change is a greater threat to our planet than dangerous lunatics on a mission.

“These are the things that keep me awake at night.”

Meanwhile, liberated Iraqis have been quick to offer their saviour tips on how to sleep in really hot weather.

Mother of murdered Iraqi infants, Zeinab Badawi, said, “A glass of really cold water can help to cool the body until a more normal synoptic pattern introduces fresher polar maritime air.

“Unfortunately, that’s not possible here because the loss of crucial infrastructure has left us without running water.

“However, it was worth it to be rid of the tyrant Saddam, and I would be willing to lose our infrastructure all over again if I could go back in time to when my children were alive.

She added, “Tony could try Herbal Nytol, but it’s shit against war guilt.”

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