Friday 16 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Family forced to abandon bathroom to massive spider


Family cedes bathroom to spider

A Bristol family’s long-running war against a massive spider has taken a turn for the worst as they were forced last night to cede the bathroom to the arachnid in order to shore up their defences in the rest of the house.

“It’s a blow to the campaign, I can’t deny that,” said Simon Williams, leader of the spider resistance.

“But we have to accept that sometimes discretion is the better part of valour.”

Other members of the Williams family spider resistance group have reacted stoically.

“I don’t think any of us wanted to give up the bathroom,” said eldest daughter Rebecca.

“But we’ll make the best of it, we can wash in the sink and Dad’s dug a hole in the garden, which I know Mum isn’t thrilled about, and the neighbours even less so.

“But it’s war, you know? You do what you have to.”

The massive spider, known simply as Bastard the spider, launched a surprise attack on the Williams family home over a week ago, and has proved himself adept at guerrilla tactics.

“I was just doing a poo,” said little Billy.

“And the big spider just rushed out and I thought it was going to get me so I ran away but I still needed a poo so Daddy said I had to do a poo in the garden, which was funny.”

Although the family are reluctant to reveal tactics, it is thought they will launch a decisive counter-attack on Saturday afternoon when Mr Williams’ brother brings his big Hoover.

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