Friday 16 September 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Diane James advised to get out on the lash as soon as possible


Diane James UKIP leader

Newly crowned UKIP leader, Diane James, has been told to crack on with the booze and fags.

Having succeeded Nigel Farage, James has been advised that the “everyman” image of the party needs to be upheld in order to maintain the support of the party’s core voters.

“And that core expects a boisterous drunk with a fag in hand,” confirmed UKIP spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“You can be the richest, most privileged, elitist piece of shit walking the earth. All of that goes away once you’re holding a pint of stout.

“I’m told Diane is more of a creme de menthe gal, but we’ll soon knock some sense into her.

“It’s absolutely vital she’s seen in the kind of pub frequented by scum like you; sucking on a Lambert & Butler while guffawing at a particularly sexist joke or two.”

A spokesperson for Diane James said, “Diane is all about moving the party forward.”

“But then the party itself is all about staying put in the 1950s, so instead she’ll be propping up the bar by Wednesday and trying not to flinch when fellow party members give her a firm, open-palmed slap on the arse.”

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