Wednesday 14 September 2016 by Joe Ithell

Nigel Farage excited to know when he’s going to be put on a banknote


Nigel Farage banknote

As the new five-pound note featuring Winston Churchill enters circulation, Brexit mastermindless, Nigel Farage, is reportedly wondering when it will be his turn to grace a British banknote.

The once – and almost certainly future – UKIP leader, is understood to see clear comparisons between himself and other noteworthy Great British heroes, who successfully repelled invasions to the fair and rose-hued shores of Blighty.

“Like Churchill fighting off the hun and Nelson sinking the garlic munchers, I have triumphed,” he told us, puffing out his chest as far as his tar ravaged lungs would allow.

“They fought off two of the greatest tyrannical empires of modern Europe,” he said.

“And I defeated the insidious wickedness of European dictats, about the levels of permitted wonk in bananas.

“Truly I am the King Arthur of our age.”

However, not all the Great British public agree that Mr Farage is banknote material.

“Fuck no, no, no!” 37-year-old Mancunian Simon Williams responded, looking aghast.

“Hasn’t Farage done enough damage to Sterling already, by mindlessly exploding the major trading relationship of the United Kingdom, without having a single, fucking clue about what will actually replace it?

“The last thing we need is to dread opening a wallet, in case his face is there gawking up at you, like a camel that just received a major electric shock up the poop chute.

“Spread mass-produced images of Nigel Farage around if you must. Just maybe not on a polymer fibre designed to survive the sort of things you might want to do with such an image.

“Like flushing it for instance.

Mr Williams looked reflective, “Perhaps Andrex might offer to create some special commemorative bum-paper, just for him?

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