Saturday 10 September 2016 by Philip Kendall

Britain’s four-year-olds in state of shock after first week of school


Children school week

Parents across the nation have reported their four-year-olds losing the will to live at the prospect of having to do this ‘school’ thing every week for the next fourteen years.

Britain’s four and five-year-olds are struggling to come to terms with the spectacularly grim reality of growing up in the UK.

“This time last week, I was finger-painting and covered in a combination of biscuits, glue and Ribena,” said shellshocked Dundee school-starter Lucy Shaw.

“Now I’m told that I get to stand outside in the wind for 15 minutes twice a day and that I can only eat things that have been deemed acceptable by some moist-eyed TV chef from Essex.

“Where the hell are my Custard Creams?”

Five-year-old Willow used to run home from nursery school to paint pictures of Peppa Pig and her friends, mother Hollie Bennett says. But following her introduction to the world of timetables, exercise books and school-issue paper towels, Willow’s art has taken a sudden turn for the macabre.

“All she ever paints now are pictures of a faceless clown she calls Claude standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking an angry, grey sea,” Ms Bennett said.

“They’re really quite chilling.”

Finlay from Scunthorpe, meanwhile, says that he once dreamed of becoming either an astronaut or prime minister when he grew up, but his first brush with state-run education has prompted him to rethink his plans.

“You draw your best picture and you stand at the front with the other kids and tell your teacher what you want to be when you grow up,” the four-year-old said of his first day at school.

“She puts a sticker in your book and gives you that smile of hers, but when you look in her eyes, you can tell that deep down she’s thinking that we live in a class-based society built on foundations so dangerously fragile that any attempt to disrupt the status quo would be met only by a violent and protracted kicking and a clamorous gnashing of generously proportioned Etonian teeth,” he added.

“Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an entire boxset of Thomas the Tank Engine to get through before Monday—If I don’t find out what happens to Henry at the end of season three, my group will probably ostracise me.”

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