Friday 9 September 2016

Sharp rise in demand for private tutors who can help parents pass as ‘Catholic’


Catholic schools

As prime minister Theresa May announced new plans for more faith schools, parents across the country have begun searching for people to help them pass as a Catholic.

Parent Claire Matthews told us, “The local comprehensive is crap, but with all these new Catholic schools being able to filter out the plebs I’m sure we can do enough to pass any tests they might set us.

“With a little professional help I know we can be as convincing as one of those ‘go to mass at Christmas only’ Catholics.”

Catholic private tutor Simon Williams told us he’d had more enquiries for his services this morning than in the whole of the previous month.

He went on, “I’ll be honest, most of my work revolves around helping thick kids pass GCSE maths, but if someone wants to pay me to help them pretend to be Catholic, then fine.

“It does have a whiff of Hollywood farce about it, but fifty quid an hour is not to be sniffed at.

“My five years of after-school catechism classes is finally paying off. Who knew?”

Claire explained that she and her husband had enjoyed their first session with Simon, and were booked in for two hours a week until their Catholic school interview.

She told us, “Oh Simon is wonderful, he’s had us reading about the Virgin Mary and the Holy Trinity, and we’ve been practising ‘communion’ using rich tea biscuits and Pinot Noir – I’m developing quite the taste for it!

“Though I’m reliably informed going up for ‘seconds’ will be a dead giveaway.”

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