Thursday 8 September 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

World feeling more secure already, as Donald Trump promises to expand US military


Donald Trump on military expansion

The entire world is feeling all warm and snugly following Donald Trump’s election pledge to expand the most terrifying military machine of all time, it has been reported today.

Chuck Williams, this week’s spokesperson for Mr Trump, explained why absolutely no one is shitting themselves so hard over the news, that they have to chisel their exploding underpants out of the plasterwork.

“See, what the US of A has shown time and again, is that the more weapons there are, the more peace you get. That’s why we get our kids packing iron on the street good and early.

“So it just makes good, sound sense to export that hugely successful domestic policy to the international arena.

“And with Mr Trump’s proven, gaffe-free approach to politics, what could possibly go hugely wrong?”

Londoner Amy Jones agrees, “In a world riven with ever more geopolitical tensions and escalating military crises, it’ll definitely help me sleep better at night knowing that Mr Trump of all people, wants to begin a period of dramatic military expansion.

“That and the soothing rumble of the trains obviously.”

When asked to clarify that unusual comment, Ms Jones laughed nervously.

“Well, I’ve started sleeping in the Underground recently because of um, property prices and stuff. Yeah. Also, it means I might one day get a seat on the commute to work.

“So it’s definitely, definitely, not about making sure I survive the impending nuclear apocalypse.”

Meanwhile, Russian premier, Vladimir Putin, underlined how this development is not at all alarming, by continuing to obsess over Russia’s expulsion from the Paralympics instead.

When asked for a comment Mr Putin simply went on and on about an ‘arms race’ instead, before slamming the phone down.

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