Tuesday 6 September 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Sellafield power plant now ‘mostly Gaffer tape’


Sellafield gaffer tape

Sellafield Nuclear Processing Plant is 56% gaffer tape, according to the latest safety reports.

Perennial busybodies, BBC Panorama, discovered a wealth of safety violations at the plant including employees napping on the job, the improper filing of hardcore pornography and the storage of nuclear material in old shoeboxes.

“And the gaffer tape,” exclaimed a wide-eyed Simon Williams, a safety inspector cum fun-ruiner.

“So much gaffer tape… It actually makes up more than half of the building.

“I’d ask why nobody spotted it before, but it turns out nobody likes looking at the plant for that long as it’s ugly as all hell. Plus their eyes get all itchy if they get too close.

“We reckon the other 44% of the building is a mixture of string, chewing gum and good old fashioned British optimism.

“And while we admire the ingenuity involved in making all of that look like a building, it’s not really up to our admittedly lax safety protocols.”

Plant employee, Jay Cooper, said “meh.”

“We basically took our cue from a few episodes of The Simpsons and they’re still fine.

“I’ve got problems enough with this extra arm growing out of my head, quite frankly.”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: