Tuesday 6 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Prime Minister rules out points-based immigration system in favour of Thunderdome


Thunderdome

Prime Minister Theresa May has emphatically ruled out the adoption of an Australian-style points-based immigration system in favour of erecting a giant Thunderdome in Essex.

The Thunderdome would allow potential immigrants to fight to the death in order to earn entry to the UK. It is expected that it will use traditional Thunderdome rules of ‘two men enter, one man leaves’.

“The points-based immigration system adopted by Australia is simply not appropriate to the UK,” explained May at a press conference earlier.

“Mainly because our economy relies on an arbitrary influx of easily-exploitable low paid workers to do all the ghastly jobs that British people don’t want to do like cleaning toilets, picking fruit or being Governor of the Bank of England.”

The immigration plans seem to have found favour amongst the public.

“Thunderdome? That’s a good idea,” said fingernail recycler Simon Williams.

“I mean, I voted to Remain in the referendum, but if I knew they were planning on doing a massive Thunderdome, then that would have probably swung it for me.”

The Thunderdome will be built on the outskirts of Chelmsford and will be part of a large leisure complex featuring a two-floor shopping mall, a food hall, and a massive Wetherspoons.

Channel Five has secured the media rights to show all live Thunderdome contests, and will also broadcast a light-hearted highlights show hosted by someone awful like Johnny Vaughn or Vernon Kaye.

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