Tuesday 6 September 2016 by Lucas wilde

‘He’s just being a dick’ confirms Baby Whisperer


Crying baby just being a dick

A so-called “baby whisperer” has confirmed your baby is whining just for the sheer hell of it.

Simon Williams, 41, has made an astonishingly good living by translating the deepest thoughts and desires of sentient beings too young to have either of those things.

Williams said, “Usually babies are trying to communicate their fears for the future, their frustration of their immobility, or simply the fact that they’ve shat themselves.

“But yours is literally whinging to see how far he can push you and what will happen when you snap.

“He reckons you’ll just scream and smash a plate, but he’s really hoping you’ll put your hand through a small window and cut yourself quite badly.

“Essentially, you’ve given birth to a miniature Satan”

Your mother said, “I knew it.”

“Gets it from his grandfather I reckon. He was a right piss-taker until he fell onto that harpoon.”

Williams concluded, “I’d have a word with the hospital, see if you can send it back.

“Anyway, that’ll be two hundred quid please.”

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