Sunday 4 September 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Prince to be fast-tracked to Sainthood


Prince, Sainthood

It is understood that following the remarkably swift canonisation of both Pope Jean-Paul II and now Mother Theresa, the Catholic Church intends to fast track the expected canonisation of music icon Prince so that he could become Saint Prince by Christmas.

“Firstly, we need to attribute a miracle to the prospective saint,” said a church representative

“I would imagine we’ll go for Parade or Sign o’ the Times, as either record could legitimately by called a miracle.

“It’ll probably be Sign o’ the Times though as the Holy Father bloody loves the guitar solo on I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man.”

However, there is some criticism of the plans to make Prince a saint.

“Look, I take no issue with Prince and his achievements,” said Simon Williams, a killjoy, yesterday.

1999, Purple Rain – amazing, I even like the Batman soundtrack. But before he can be truly considered for Sainthood, there needs to be a conversation about some of his later work.

“I mean, Planet Earth was absolutely shocking and could giving it away with the Mail on Sunday ever really be the act of a true Saint?”

It does seem that the Church is set to ignore the criticism and rush the canonisation through, with further plans to make saints of David Bowie, Ronnie Corbett and the man who played R2-D2.

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