Thursday 1 September 2016 by Tommy Charles

Investment banks excluding c*nts from non-privileged backgrounds, finds study


Investment bankers

A study into social exclusion has discovered that investment banks are systematically ‘locking out’ even the biggest cunts simply because they are not from a privileged background.

The exclusion process for top banks begins is set-up to favour applicants who went to private schools and have rich, well-connected parents, the study revealed.

This means that even massive twats who performed well at state schools and went to elite universities would be filtered out early on, despite having all the sociopathic tendencies required to be a top banker.

“It’s as much about the network that the candidate brings with them as it is about their qualities,” an insider told us.

“Sure, you might be a huge bell-end in your own right, but if you don’t have a whole host of other rich and powerful wankers among your contacts, then you are at a clear disadvantage.”

It was found that unquantifiable attributes such as having an “aura” were common requirements and many are rejected for committing a banking fashion faux pas, like dressing with character.

“If your outfit has any personality you’re done for,” our source confirmed.

“It has to scream ‘do not leave your drink unattended near me’ or ‘my dad knows the owner’ for you to even be in with a chance here.”

More tellingly, however, only applicants who could afford to do extended periods of unpaid work experience at London banks were even considered for a role.

One interviewee told us: “It’s during these stints at top banks that you really pick up the requisite skills for investment banking.

“It was only after several work placements that I progressed from being a bit of a posh twat to become an absolutely monumental cunt.

“The experience is invaluable and obviously not something you can get doing an internship at Santander in Dudley.”

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