Wednesday 31 August 2016 by Fat Jim

‘Tired, pissed off and bored of career’ badges offered to Tube commuters


Commuter badges

After much research, London Underground will offer badges to the 98% of passengers who are tired, pissed off and bored with their career.

“We wanted to recognise that fact that most of our customers don’t even want to be here,” said Simon Williams, Tube Customer Experience Director.

“We are just an unpleasant and expensive means to end – carrying lots and lots of people to places they really don’t want to go.”

This category of commuter will be given badges to show they are suffering miserable lives in an effort to create some solidarity of like-minded travellers.

“It really is an excellent waste of money,” continued Williams, “it’s impossible to put a KPI on, so no-one will even know if the scheme has worked or not, just how I like it.”

We listened to one commuter’s story that is common across so many commuters.

“I stumbled out of bed at 530, took a shower, forget to let it warm up a bit like every single other fucking day and shot a blast of freezing cold water over myself. I was so tired I tried to wash my hair with my wife’s lavender leg moisturiser and put shaving foam on my toothbrush.”

“I could barely open my eyes as I had hammered the wine again last night and headed into town. I can’t stand my job; I know I’m cut out for something better, something I’ve always dreamed of. But every morning my tube journey is akin to walking the green mile before I go and get publicly hanged in front of my colleagues at another day’s drudgery of pointless unrewarding stale and boring corporate wankership.

“But knowing I’ll have a little badge explaining my position to other commuters will really help start off my day on the right foot, it certainly means that no-one will dare try and talk to me as I stare into the tube window and try and make funny head shapes with my reflection in the glass.”

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