Tuesday 30 August 2016

Headphones for women rebranded as ‘arsehole repellent’


Woman headphones arsehole repellent

After it was discovered that wearing headphones magically deters arseholes, women everywhere have begun purchasing ever more obvious headsets.

Self-proclaimed ‘Dating Expert’ Dan Sausage has been credited with inspiring the rebrand amongst headphone manufacturers after women everywhere took solace in the fact that headphones seem to keep away pricks like him.

Woman Emily Williams told us, “Being hit on by people trained by ‘pick up artists’ is hilarious for most women.

“Do you genuinely think women can’t read what’s posted on the Internet, or that we’re not familiar with ‘negging’, or when you’re desperately trying to ‘demonstrate value’ in your ‘peacock’ shirt?

“All this behaviour does is show us how sad the real you must be to have resorted to following the advice of a prick on the Internet charging $500 to tell you the key to success is ‘be mean to girls to make them like you’.

“It almost makes me feel sorry for you. Almost.

“But some of them are such total arseholes you would rather just avoid the conversation entirely, and thankfully it seems like headphones can keep the worst offenders at bay.

“I just keep them on and shout loudly ‘I CAN’T HEAR YOU’ over and over, and they eventually get the message.

“Previously I’ve been a fan of those discrete in-ear buds, but now I’m going for a massive pair of ostentatious over the ear monstrosities. In pink.

“They’re from Bose, and they’re called the Arsehole Repeller X10s.

“Well worth £200 of any woman’s money.”

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