Tuesday 30 August 2016 by Eddy Healy

Four day weeks are the worst, claims office arsehole


A group of workers have returned to their jobs after the bank holiday to be greeted by the resident office bellend complaining about losing a day’s work.

Simon Williams, who according to colleagues “manages something in digital or finance”, was left distraught by the long weekend which left him unable to sit at his desk moaning about his family while pretending his job is actually important.

Addressing members of staff, whether they wanted him to or not, Mr Williams said, “That bank holiday was one of the longest three days of my life.

“It’s a travesty that by the close of play all I’d brought to the table was an overcooked roast for the in-laws I don’t even like very much.

“I asked some of the chaps from work if we could touch base offline for some blue sky thinking, but surprisingly none of them pinged me back.

“Losing a Monday of thought showering, actioning, and synergistic reviewing just so people could have a lie-in and spend time with people they actually like really lacks the wow factor, don’t you think?

“We’re going to have to hit the ground running today to crack that strategic staircase. I might even have to play hardball if it means we’ll all be singing from the same hymn sheet before teatime.

“Honestly, what are you actually meant to do on a bank holiday? Talk to your wife or take the kids to the park for a kick about? I’d be flogging a dead horse there.”

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