Friday 26 August 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Man who operates shitsucker that cleans festival toilets is ‘the best of us’


Festival toilets

The man who uses a big tube to suck all the shit out of festival toilets has been hailed as the finest mankind can produce.

“There are some genuinely appalling places on earth,” said philosopher Alain de Botton.

“War-torn Aleppo in Syria, the drug capital Ciudad Juarez in Mexico, or the terrorist and pirate stronghold of Mogadishu in Somalia.

“All of these places pale next to the devastating horror of a festival toilet that has baked in the sun for four days.

“Any man who dedicates his life to using a big mechanical shitsucker to make those toilets even slightly nicer is surely the greatest of all men.”

Fat Les of ‘We Suck – purveyors of high-powered shitsuckers to festivals large and small,’ is one such man.

“Well, I’d be lying if I said that as a kid I wanted to grew up and be the man who sucks shit out of toilets with a big tube, but knowing that I’m making the world a better place? That’s important, you know? I sleep well.

“The worst part of sucking shit out of festival toilets? I don’t know, occasionally you hear a bit of an Ed Sheeren set, that’s not great.

“I just turn the shitsucker up to full power to drown him out and tell myself it’s about making the world a better place.”

It is expected that Fat Les and his compatriots will be included in the New Year’s Honours list for ‘services to sucking shit out of plastic toilets’.

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