Tuesday 23 August 2016 by Gary Stanton

Team GB superheroes to staff weekend NHS


Team GB to be used on NHS

Team GB Olympians will be drafted in to provide emergency cover for the new 7-day NHS on returning home later today.

The move comes after an independent review warned that the planned shift rotas cannot be carried out by ordinary human beings.

After a brief celebratory tour of Manchester, the record-breaking athletes will be dropped off at Wythenshawe General to boost flagging team morale.

Double gold medal winner, Mo Farah, said, “As a 10k runner, performing feats of staggering endurance is normal for me, but nothing could prepare me for back-to-back twelve-hour shifts.”

Women’s Olympic Flyweight boxing champion, Nicola Adams, said, “Being subjected to daily physical violence is part of my training, but whether I can cut it in Saturday night A&E remains to be seen.”

She added, “But much like the current Tory government, I’m used to ignoring my own risk assessments.”

Meanwhile, the 200m canoeing champion, Liam Heath, remains confident that his world-beating oar skills will help him navigate NHS wards that are knee-deep in piss.

Ignoring pleas for greater NHS funding, PM Theresa May, said, “You simply cannot solve a problem by throwing more money at it, unless it’s sport – obviously.”

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