Monday 22 August 2016 by Neil Tollfree

UKIP leadership candidates all confirmed racists


UKIP leadership election

The final list of candidates for the UKIP leadership has been announced after ‘one final round of vetting’ ensured that they were all massive racists.

“We had wished to reveal our final list on Tuesday,” said a UKIP spokesperson.

“But there was a concern that certain candidates weren’t quite racist enough to be a credible leader of the party.”

The final vetting procedure involved all candidates being shown pictures of people of colour and having their reactions checked.

“Obviously, the minimal response from a UKIP leader would be ‘Send them back to where they came from’,” continued the spokesperson.

“But we were also looking for a bit more, if they could work in the phrases – ‘Some of my best friends are…’ and ‘It’s not racism, it’s just saying what people really think,’ then that would mark them out for great leadership material.

It is thought that Diane James MEP particularly impressed the vetting committee by vomiting prodigiously at the sight of a black man, however Stephen Woolfe did not make the list after getting confused and suggesting that a Muslim woman should ‘go back to Birmingham’.

The new leader of UKIP will be announced after all deals with the devil, including sales of souls, have been fully ratified.

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