Sunday 21 August 2016 by Davywavy

England footballers to be shown footage of Olympic athletes apologising for losing


Eyes wide open

The England football team is to be forced to watch footage of Olympians being gracious in victory and humble in defeat until they get it, the FA has announced.

Looped footage of Team GB competitors, who are paid a fraction of Rooney and his teammates, talking about how much just having the chance to represent their nation means and how grateful they were will be played to members of the England team as they are strapped to couches and made to watch.

Like something out of A Clockwork Orange, Wayne Rooney will have his eyes wired open whilst being played film of Olympic athletes tearfully apologising for not winning.

It is hoped he will learn, over time, that it’s possible to act other than like a sulky teenager after his regular lacklustre international performances.

There will then follow a segment on people giving their heart and soul in an effort to win for little financial reward, which members of the England squad are expected to find confusing and incomprehensible.

The montage will end with shots of members of Team GB winning events and accepting gold with humility as the national anthem plays, as those are things England are never likely to see in their own careers.

“We’ve all seen people who just missed out on a medal crying uncontrollably and apologising to the country for not making it,” said FA spokesman Simon Williams.

“And it did strike us that maybe there’s something some players in the England team can learn from that. There’s apparently a specialist psychological term for it.

“Oh, yes, it’s ‘not being a self-obsessed, entitled little twat’, that’s it.”

When asked, Team GB said that if they’d wanted to win any footballing medals at the Olympics they’d just have sent the Welsh national team.

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