Saturday 20 August 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Picnics just street drinking for the middle-class, finds report


Picnic drinking

A new report has found that picnics are nothing more than a form of street drinking for the middle-classes.

The report looked at those who enjoy drinking in public, and found that putting a blanket on the ground underneath you made all the difference.

“It seems that the old English idyll of a summer picnic is a thing of the past,” said Professor of wasps Simon Williams.

“Gone are the days of hampers, cucumber sandwiches and an elderflower cordial.

“Modern picnics are far more likely to consist of 30 or so graphic designers making a half-arsed attempt at Rounders before downing six crates of Chilean Chardonnay and playing some god-awful reggae through their iPhone speakers.

“Almost the only thing that separates them from the tramp who lives under the slide is that the tramp didn’t bring any organic taramasalata.”

It is estimated that middle-class picnics now account for some 40% of all vomit found in parks, with the rest being from children who spent too long on the roundabout, and people accidentally thinking about Chris Grayling in the nude.

However, Simon Williams has organised a picnic this afternoon to celebrate growing a beard. He disputes the findings, and insists that picnics remain a valid way of consuming alcohol in public.

“I’m not sure I can really agree with that study,” he told us.

“I mean, Chilean Chardonnay? Really? That’s just so 2006; Instead, seeing as the sun is out, we’ve got three hundred bottles of locally brewed craft ale to enjoy in the local park.

“It’s just wankier.”

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