Friday 19 August 2016 by Tom Moore

Warning that night tube could see Londoners without excuse to leave shit parties


Night Tube could see end of excuses for going home early

Londoners have been warned that the introduction of the night tube could leave them without a reliable excuse to leave a party they now think is a bit rubbish.

Simon Williams, who lives in a printing works in Shoreditch and works in a vegan cereal café by day, told us, “My girlfriends’ mate is having a party down Lewisham tonight. I’m certain it’s gonna be absolutely wank.

“They still serve pints in actual pint glasses in Lewisham, so they’re about four years behind the curve.

“I only drink out of plant pots these days. So obviously I was planning on catching the last tube back and popping into my mate Tom’s cabaret show at the working man’s club, but ‘catching the last Tube’ is never going to fly now. I’m completely screwed.”

London Mayor Sadiq Khan thinks the all night tubes will be a massive boost to London, but many residents feel the loss of the last tube could see millions of Londoners forced to endure shitty get-togethers they would otherwise have swerved ‘early doors’.

As Williams went on to explained, “The last tube was a Godsend. The number of times I’ve been in Clapham with a couple of Uni mates that still don’t have tattoos on their neck and I was like, ‘sorry guys, got to shoot or I’ll have to stay up all night and I have to work tomorrow’.

“Now what am I gonna do? This is possibly the worst thing that’s happened to London, ever.”

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