Friday 19 August 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Kelis’ Milkshake surprisingly disappointing


Milkshake in the yard

Popstar Kelis has been slammed for her disappointing milkshake.

Despite famously boasting in 2003 that her milkshake would bring all the boys to the yard, experts have criticised it for being insipid, watery and having ‘funny weird bits in it’.

“Regardless of how funky Kelis is – and I don’t think anyone can have issue with her funk – I would certainly not be visiting her yard on the strength of this milkshake,” said MasterChef presenter Michel Roux Jnr.

Wacky science cook Heston Blumenthal agreed.

“Hmm, no. What I think we need here is some ice-cream that’s been melted in a volcano and then immediately flash frozen two miles down in arctic ice, before adding cream from a cloned cow and then strawberries grown on Mars like in that film with Matt Damon.

“As it stands, I can’t see who would be visiting her yard on the strength of this. It’s piss.”

Kelis did receive some support from fictional ‘Pie in the Sky’ chef Harry Crabbe.

“Yes, it isn’t the greatest milkshake I’ve ever tasted, but who knows what else is in Kelis’ yard, she might have some nice rabbit pie, or a slice of Battenberg.

“So no, while I wouldn’t visit her yard on the strength of the milkshake alone, I might be tempted by the promise of other delights.”

There were, however, several boys in Kelis’ yard, but they confirmed they weren’t there for the milkshake.

“Metaphors, we’re here mainly for the metaphors.”

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