Thursday 18 August 2016

Everything bad in my life can be traced to poor A-Level results, man tells students


Man blamed everything on A-Level results

Not getting the A-Level results he wanted was the catalyst which led to the miserable existence currently endured by former student Simon Williams, according to reports this morning.

Williams spoke out after many students also failed to get what they were expecting in today’s A-Level results.

He told reporters, “It’s been twenty years, but I’m sat here doing a job I hate, in a town that depresses me, tied to a mortgage I can’t afford and married to a woman who hates me – all because I didn’t get the grades I needed in my A-Levels.

“I had it all planned out, my first choice University, the friends and contacts I’d make, and the career in which I’d excel.

“But being forced to take anything I could find in clearing meant three years in the arse-end of nowhere surrounded by losers and morons.

“I ended up taking any job I could find, which was actually the bottom rung on a shitty career ladder because my clearing Uni wasn’t very good, and now I can’t really do anything else.

“It can all be traced back to that fateful day in August 1996.

“If I had got the A’s and B’s I needed, I’d be talking to you from a fine leather sofa as the CEO of my own company planning my retirement post-flotation – but I’m not doing that, am I.

“So, if you did worse than you were hoping, don’t let anyone tell you the world is still your Oyster.

“It isn’t, and you’re absolutely fucked.”

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