Wednesday 17 August 2016 by Neil Tollfree

X-Factor style competition to find next child abuse enquiry chief


Family watching show to choose independent inquiry chair

The next chair of the Independent Inquiry into child abuse is to be selected via an X-Factor style talent competition.

Respected academic Alexis Jay has become the most recent head of the inquiry but precedent dictates that she’ll be gone by next Thursday so there is pressure on the Government, and TV companies, to act quickly.

“A television competition is clearly the best way to unearth the most talented people in our society,” said a Government spokesperson.

“You only have to look at Matt Cardle and Joe McElderry to see that.”

Initial heats have been set up around the country and inquiry chair hopeful Simon Williams was waiting for his preliminary audition

“For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamt of chairing an independent inquiry,” he said.

“I mean, I’ll be in the pub with my mates and they’re always like ‘God Si, the way you methodically gather all the information and evidence on the topic in question before giving a fair and impartial view and judgement, you should definitely chair an independent inquiry’.

“And I’m like ‘yeah, I know, but when would I get the chance?’ Well, now is my chance, and I’m going to take it with both hands.”

After several months of heats, journeys and boot camps, the competition will conclude with a public vote in December.

The winner will become permanent head of the Independent Inquiry into child abuse and release a cover of A Spaceman came Travelling’ in time for Christmas.

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