Monday 15 August 2016 by Dan Sweryt

Team GB lose dressage silver medals after doping tests reveal pantomime horse


Team GB dressage horse

Team GB have lost their Olympic dressage silver medals after doping tests came back positive for use of a pantomime horse.

Suspicions were first raised by other countries, when, after their own horses did a little bit of way too fancy dancing, the Team GB’s entry performed a full Mambo.

This was followed by a full-on street dance routine that included the ‘robot’ and the ‘moonwalk’, all allegedly choreographed by Ashley Banjo.

The arena – having never seen a horse perform to such a standard -gave them a standing ovation.

Top Brazilian dressage competitor, the single-monikered Simowilliam, said “I thought they were very impressive at first and applauded in the sportsmanlike manner to which our sport has become accustomed.

“But on looking a little closer, I noticed how it was moving a little like ‘Dobbin’ from underrated 80’s Children’s BBC series, Rentaghost.

“I thought there is certainly a little bit of Mr Claypole’s trickery going on here!”

A spokesman for Team GB, Eleanor Gay said, “I can categorically deny these accusations, despite the fact that the tests claim to have proven beyond any shadow of a doubt that our horses are made up of two men in a horse costume.

“Yes, these two gentlemen behind me are from dance group Diversity, but they are merely here in a spectatorship capacity, and their attendance is merely coincidental.”

The Russian dressage team were summarily dismissed before the competition began for once again attempting to use bears, despite promises made after London 2012’s horrendous dressage bloodbath.

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