Friday 12 August 2016 by Dan Sweryt

New Star Trek addresses equality concerns with conjoined triplet central characters


Star Trek Discovery

The new Star Trek series is to centre on conjoined triplets, one of whom will be black, one Klingon and one cyborg, as the series attempts to address concerns of equality across the entertainment industry.

The triplets will be male, female and ‘prefer not to say’ in gender; fat, thin and slightly above average in size; Jewish, fundamentalist Muslim and Buddhist in faith; and gay and straight and ‘with animals’ in sexuality.

Producer of the series Simon ‘Alhkh-uL-p’Onghk’ Williams says, “I’m really looking forward to this series.

“The equality angle is our real USP. One of the main characters will be a person of restricted height, one suffer from giganticism and the other central character will have both female, male and unicorn genitalia.

“And we’re planning on them each having an affliction of some sort ‘to promote awareness’. These are expected to be OCD, bipolar disorder and dyspraxia.

“But, you know, the asthmatics would probably kick up a fuss. You know, if they could without getting breathless.

“Certainly, none of the main characters will be a privileged, white, middle-class male. Unless it happens by accident because of all the different parameters.

“There won’t be any hostile battles across space in this new series either. Each episode will instead centre on marathon meetings, extended form-filling or serious violations of Health & Safety.

“Nor will there be any evil villains. They’ll be, at worst, some sort of pantomime dame, standing to make their spurious points from behind a microphone that is then translated into everyone’s different languages.

“Dissenters will subsequently show their displeasure by using a variety of comical aghast facial expressions and tutting loudly. Each week, the thrilling climax will be bogged down in paperwork.

“It’s like nothing we’ve even seen before!

“If, of course, you don’t count the European Union.

“This is all, of course, assuming Donald Trump doesn’t win the election,” says Williams.

“If that happens, expect all manner of bloodshed as a red-blooded male shags and shoots his way around the galaxy, with some real sexy robots and aliens.”

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