Thursday 11 August 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

Pigeons still acting like they own the f*cking place


pigeons acting like they own the place

Knobhead pigeons are still acting like they own the fucking place, and could totally kick the living shit out of you if they wanted to, it has been revealed today.

Reports have come in of multiple sightings of pigeons swaggering around town centres, train stations and sinister, dark alleyways, like grey-feathered masters of the bastard universe.

Pigeon hard case, Simon Williams, 3, struts menacingly around outside the Stockport shops, his head slinking back and forth like a switchblade dancing in and out of its handle.

“This is my turf, my patch,” he tells us, pecking at nothing in particular, with the easy confidence of a card sharp shuffling the deck, before a game with a wet behind the ears youth, fresh from bumpkin-bumpkin land.

“You mess with me or my brothers in this ‘hood, and we’re gonna mess with you right back.”

However, local hardline anti-pigeon protestor, Henry Matthews, grips his walking stick tightly at the sight of the pigeon gangs roaming about.

“Bastard, feathery twats,” he mutters. “But you just have to be firm with them and show ‘em who’s boss.”

Mr Matthews wades fearlessly into a dense pigeon cluster, waving his walking stick all around him, “Fuck off you grey-winged hoodlums,” he shrieks.

“See?” he tells us triumphantly, as the pigeons scatter.

But Simon Williams sneers through his beak from the safety of the other side of the precinct.

“Yeah, that muthafucka thinks he’s got us on the run now, but just you wait. Because only one of us is going to find the other one’s shit dribbled all down the back of their head.

“And it ain’t gonna be me, is it?”

Williams fixes us with a beady-eyed stare, then coos.

“Now are you gonna eat those crisps or what?”

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