Monday 8 August 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Viennetta on a stick will make everything alright


Vienetta on a stick

In a world of Brexit, terrorism and Christopher Biggins being removed from Big Brother, experts have concluded that the only thing that will make everything alright is a Viennetta on a stick.

The fabled ice-cream snack is rumoured to be available in some territories, but there are no confirmed plans for release in the UK.

“It’s a terrible old world at the moment,” said cloud chaser Simon Williams.

“Interest rates are down, Donald Trump exists, the Olympic bay is full of poo.

“It’s hard to see any cause for hope in such a bleak and stark outlook.

“Unless they release the Viennetta on a stick of course, then everything will be brilliant.”

Experts are urgently calling on Walls to release the snack worldwide.

“The world, more than ever, needs the Viennetta on a stick,” said Liz Heaton, Professor of ice-cream and world events.

“It would be a unifying phenomenon, something that can heal the deep divides that have formed across society, like Jesus Christ or Manchester United losing.”

There is also evidence that suggests the Viennetta on a stick could have a considerable impact on global terror.

“The West will be crushed under the glorious might of the new caliphate,” read a recent communique from ISIS.

“Unless they release the Viennetta on a stick, then we’ll pretty much be happy and all calm down a bit.”

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