Monday 8 August 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Russia banned from less important Olympics


Rio Paralympics ban for Russia

Russia’s institutional doping will be punished by banning them from the version of the Olympics watched by far fewer people.

The International Paralympic Committee made the decision to completely ban Vladimir Putin’s fitness bitches after it emerged that pretty much the entire team had been juicing like Schwarzenegger prepping for a beach holiday.

A spokesperson explained, “It is obviously important that we in the world of sport take a stand on doping; and so, given the choice of banning Russia from the Olympics, or the Paralympics, it was a pretty easy decision to make.

“We want to give them a slap on the nose, but not make an enemy for life, obviously. We’re not stupid.”

Russian fans have insisted they’re ‘not bothered’ by the ban.

“Meh,” shrugged Olympics fan, Simonski Williams.

“Like most people, I don’t actually watch the Paralympics, I only vocalise how much I admire the concept. So it makes little difference to me or indeed to the sporting prestige of mother Russia.

“Nobody can actually name a Paralympian that hasn’t shot their girlfriend through a bathroom door anyway, which should tell you all you need to know about how much people actually, honestly care about the games.

“So, yeah, we’re still in the real Olympics, so we’ll probably keep pumping our athletes full of HGH- although we might follow the lead of other nations and be careful not to get caught.”

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