Monday 8 August 2016 by Shaun Stevenson

Man becomes expert on synchronised diving after watching it for five whole minutes


Synchronised diving

A man who has never watched synchronised diving before in his life has suddenly become a world-class expert on the subject, after watching it on the Olympics for barely five minutes last night.

Simon Williams, a 42-year-old shoelace threader from Dorset, began watching the event after accidentally leaving the remote control in the toilet to ensure his wife didn’t get it, but then found himself instantly hooked.

After that, his knowledge and understanding of the subject blossomed into truly encyclopaedic levels.

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t care what those fuck-muppets at the BBC said,” Mr Williams told us gravely, as he stroked his newly found invisible beard.

“That one by the Canadians was totally a brilliant dive, because it did that, y’know, fabulous twisty thingy.

“Whereas, that Chinese dive was definitely total bollocks because, um, something to do with the way the water splashed?”

When asked how she felt about his new found expertise, his wife Kathy smiled fondly.

She said, “Aw, it’s like when he goes the pub and screams ‘offside’ randomly at the TV, whenever the other team has the ball. Mind you most of his mates seem to do that too.

“I’d call him a stupid prick, with a massively over-inflated sense of his own critical capabilities, but it seems a bit mean.

“He’s just a little bit of a wally I suppose.

“Bless.”

Meanwhile, Mr Williams has contacted the BBC to offer his services as a pundit after also spending fifteen minutes mastering a total understanding of gymnastics, fencing and dressage.

He is confidently expecting them to organise a jet for him to fly over to Rio very, very soon.

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