Saturday 6 August 2016 by Lucas Miles

Open water swimmer’s Olympic preparation complete after final faeces eating session


Rio olympics open water swimming

Swimmers taking part in open water events at the Rio Olympics have concluded their training by gorging on mouthfuls of human faeces.

The World Health Organisation has advised swimmers “wrap their bodies in at least five layers of clingfilm” and to “keep everything shut”, though many competitors have tried to acclimatise to the conditions they will face in Rio.

“One mouthful of that shit and you’re a goner,” said WHO spokesperson Simon Williams.

“It’s dirtier than Jimmy Savile’s DVD collection in there.”

However, one British athlete believes he has an advantage on the opposition. For the past six months, open water swimmer Barry Smith has been eating his own excrement.

“Some people make a face when I tell them what I’m doing to get ready for Rio,” said Barry.

“But you don’t become a top athlete without dedication. When everyone else is throwing up, for me, it’ll be like swimming in milk and honey.”

But that wasn’t enough for Barry.

“I’d been eating my own faeces for months when someone pointed out to me, ‘of course you’re gonna like your own shit, it’s other people’s you’ve got to worry about’.

“So since then I’ve been eating exotic turds from all over the world. It’s amazing what you can buy on the Internet these days.

“I just hope they don’t eat anything too spicy in Brazil. Those are the ones that give me a bit of a funny tummy.”

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