Wednesday 3 August 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Gas companies told to lube up before buggering the public


Gas companies to use lubricant

Utility companies are being told to fuck you more gently going forward.

In a ruling from Ofgem, and in a nod to a dreadful song by Tenacious D, gas and electricity companies will take it a little easier while unscrupulously rogering money from you.

“No more going in dry,” sighed gas executive, Simon Williams.

“Ah well. We’ll still be running in a vastly noncompetitive market that seeks to bleed as much money from the poor and vulnerable as possible in exchange for shit we dug from the earth.

“Mwahaha. Etc.”

Gas customer, Jay Cooper, told us, “My bottom is still a little sore from their last work of fiction, or ‘gas bill’ as EDF like to call it.

“Still, it’s nice to know that they’ll be encouraged to offer options that are around 8% less painful going forward.

“I’m sure that will make everything better, and they’ll be behaving like gentlemen from now on.

“Maybe they’ll even buy me a drink first.”

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