Monday 1 August 2016

Bastard bankers still bastards, warns bastard


bankers still bastards

A bastard banker who went to prison after being caught being a bastard has this morning warned that bankers are still bastards.

London trader, Kweku Adoboli, who lost the Swiss bank UBS £1.4bn, told reporters that the banking industry was still chock-full of bastards gambling with other people’s money.

He explained, “I got caught being a bastard and went to prison, but even after that, being a bastard is not even frowned upon in banking, it’s still actively encouraged.

“The biggest bastards take the biggest risks, but they also make the biggest profits. And as long as being a bastard remains profitable, they will keep being bastards.

“Because ultimately, the banks want to make money, the bastards.”

Bank customer Simon Williams told us, “I had really hoped that after the banking collapse in 2008, that the level of bastardry in the banking industry would have fallen, even if by just a little bit.

“But it seems that bastards are as rife as they ever were.

“On the bright side, if these same bastards ensure the whole banking industry goes tits up yet again, at least we know what to do to make sure the people at fault are the people who ultimately pay for it.

“We’ll probably have to call it something else – how about austerity 2.0?”

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