Friday 29 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Man bites into unexpectedly soft apple, ruins day


Man eats soft apple, ruins day

Someone has bought an apple which looked crisp and delicious.

Simon Williams, 33, saw the apple while purchasing lunch in a supermarket and let out an audible gasp of excitement when he happened upon its shiny visage.

“It looked crisp and inviting. It was the Channel 4’s John Snow of apples.

“Now I’ve bitten into the thing and it’s more of an Eamon Holmes; soft around the edges, all of its former promise unfulfilled.

“All the disappointment I’ve ever felt in my life has come rushing back to me, and there’s a renewed sense of dread in my heart regarding what tomorrow may bring- particularly as I’ll be buying another apple.”

Simon’s colleague, Elizabeth King, said “I wish he’d stop buying apples. The whole office could do without the tension.

“He either bites into one and it’s crisp and lovely and the day goes as usual, or it’s soft and he claims he has to go home at 2pm due to a crippling sense of existential dread.

“You know where you are with a banana, that’s all I’m saying.”

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