Thursday 28 July 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Cat being a dickhead again


Cats being a dickhead

A local cat – Dave – has continued his campaign of dickheadedness and arseholery by deliberately urinating over a laptop keyboard.

Owner Simon Williams claims the cat has shown no remorse.

“F**king cat,” said Mr Williams.

“He’s absolutely knackered my laptop, which I need for work, and now he’s just sat up on the wardrobe, purring softly.”

Dave, the cat, became a complete bastard on Wednesday, May 4th.

“I don’t know what it was about that day, but he went from being a nice normal cat to a total rampaging shithead,” confirmed Mr Williams.

“Since then, he sits on my face to wake me up, he’s shredded two lots of curtains, and he shat in the cover of my David Bowie Blackstar LP.

“How do cats even to that? Shit inside an LP cover.”

Mr Williams now lives in constant fear of what will come next from the furry psychopath.

“Who knows! For all I know he could change my wifi password, steal my girlfriend, or use my credit card to buy a load of high-end Origen Lobster catfood off Amazon.

“Little shit.”

Dave, the cat, has refused to issue any comments on the matter, possibly because he is a dickhead.

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