Wednesday 27 July 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Bill Clinton manages to get through speech without shagging anyone


Bill Clinton

The Democratic party was celebrating last night after Bill Clinton managed to endorse Hillary Clinton without committing adultery.

The well-up-for-it former President of the United States drew a standing ovation for the endorsement of his wife, not least because he managed to get through the evening without spunking on someone’s dress.

“It was touch and go for a minute, if you’ll pardon the pun,” said Democratic spokesperson, Chuck Williams.

“Around the six-minute mark, he spotted a vaguely attractive woman in the crowd and had to grip the podium that little bit harder, but he got through it like the trooper he is.

“Of course, he had a raging erection the entire time, but then that’s what podiums are for: to hide boners. Bernie Sanders was rock hard for pretty much his whole campaign but nobody was any the wiser.

“God bless podiums.”

Mr Clinton was noticeably sweating toward the end of the speech, after which he rushed offstage to bury himself in a deluge of hardcore pornography.

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